watch-head | ’wäCH-hed | (noun): 1. a person who obsesses over wristwatches, esp. to the exclusion of other interests; 2. an avid collector of wristwatches; 3. an horological expert: Bill is a watch-head, so he will likely ask about your watch during dinner. Modern English: from colloquial usage in the English-speaking horological community; see also: Deadhead (devotee of The Grateful Dead).
No one is born a watch-head. A conversion process has to have occurred to make you into one. These conversions can be instant or they can take years. If you think you may be a watch-head, then you probably are one, but for those who aren’t entirely sure, this diagnostic tool will help you gain certainty and place you on a graduated scale of watch-headedness below. While various horological institutes have tried and failed to objectively diagnose the condition, this self-diagnostic tool offers valuable insight into your mental and financial health as they pertain to watches.
Official Scale of Watch-Headedness
0 = not a watch-head
5 – 10 = budding watch-head
10 – 20 = watch-head
20 – 25 = avid watch-head
25 – 30 = major watch-head
30 – 40 = certifiable watch-head
40 – 50 = omg
50 – 75 = seek professional help
75 – 100 = you’re incurable
Using a piece of Japanese stationary and a fountain pen costing no less than $150, pour a glass of Scotch that’s at least 18-years-old and then begin marking down how many of the following symptoms apply to you. Each is worth one point. When you are done, refer to the scale above to see how far your watch-headedness has advanced. For those who score above 75, you may be too far gone. Good luck.
- You’re reading this.
- You know the diameter of your wrist.
- You can shoot a mean wrist shot, despite never having played hockey.
- You’ve uploaded a picture of a watch to Instagram.
- You’ve uploaded a picture of a watch to Instagram this week.
- You’ve uploaded a picture of a watch to Instagram every day this week.
- When in public places, you check out strangers’ wrists.
- When a stranger has on a cool watch, you consider striking up a conversation.
- You’ve actually struck up a conversation with a stranger about their watch.
- You’re now friends with someone you met by randomly striking up a conversation about their watch.
- Your family and/or friends turn to you for watch advice.
- Despite being told otherwise, you still assert to certain friends and family that they would benefit from owning a mechanical watch.
- You’ve instructed friends and/or family to “Just get an Oris.”
- You say the word “horological” with zero irony.
- You’ve grown self-conscious about saying “horological” and have started putting it in air quotes.
- You’ve gown self-conscious about putting “horological” in air quotes and have gone back to just saying it without irony.
- You spontaneously shake your wrist mid-conversation.
- Friends have asked if you have developed a nervous twitch in your arm.
- You time activities that don’t require timing (e.g. how long it takes to mow your lawn).
- You track multiple time zones for fun.
- You’ve purposefully ignored a vehicle’s speedometer while attempting to calculate your velocity with your watch.
- You know how to change a watch strap.
- You own the tools necessary for changing watch straps.
- There is at least one box full of watch straps in your home (add an additional point if one of those straps is from The Worn & Wound Shop).
- You can spot and name multiple Horween Leather colors.
- You’ve bought shoes because they go with a watch strap.
- You’ve posted a picture to Instagram in which your shoes and your watch strap match.
- You’ve filled the kitchen sink just enough to keep your watch strap dry while doing the dishes.
- When beckoning a bartender or waiter, you use the hand with a watch on it.
- When ordering a cocktail. you’re secretly pairing it with your watch.
- You’ve heard of the Quartz Crisis.
- You know that the Quartz Crisis has nothing to do with New Age spiritual problems.
- You know what Giorgia Mondani’s favorite color is.
- You’ve paused movies, television shows, or sports games in order to examine a watch.
- You learned about The Bauhaus School through your interest in watches.
- Though you don’t SCUBA dive, you own a dive watch.
- Despite not SCUBA diving, you own multiple dive watches.
- You’ve taken up SCUBA diving.
- You wear a watch when SCUBA diving.
- You are enticed by watches rated to withstand water pressure at depths that would would instantly kill you.
- You’ve instructed friends and family to “Just get a Seiko SKX007.”
- Airport security has asked you why you’ve got so many watches in your carry-on.
- Standing near strong electromagnetic fields is interesting to you.
- You stare at the seconds hand going around and around.
- While staring at the seconds hand going around and around, you’ve pondered the essence of time.
- You’ve become prematurely in touch with your mortality.
- When referring to people who don’t wear watches, you’ve called them “regular people,” “normal people,” and/or “civilians.”
- You bought, or someone gave you, the book A Man & His Watch.
- On your birthday, you fear the possibility that someone will give you an uncool watch.
- When you use the adjective “aspirational,” it really means “unaffordable.”
- You’ve called an aspirational watch your “grail.”
- You need to routinely remind yourself that $10,000 is, indeed, a lot of money.
- The top of your laptop is all scratched up on one side.
- You don’t care that your laptop is all scratched up on one side.
- When asked about the scratches on your laptop, you explain that you’re a “desk diver.”
- You’ve sketched watches with your last name as the logo.
- You’ve daydreamed about moving to Switzerland to learn watchmaking.
- You can name multiple towns in Switzerland where watches are made.
- Despite not following professional tennis, you can name the watch on Rafa Nadal’s and/or Roger Federer’s wrists.
- You’ve started following professional tennis.
- You love Heuer, but have reservations about Tag Heuer.
- You have strong feelings about Jean-Claude Biver.
- Among your greatest regrets in life is the sale of a watch.
- You’ve called your parents to see if your old watch is still in the top left-hand dresser drawer in your bedroom.
- You’ve rolled your eyes at the expression “honest patina.”
- Despite rolling your eyes at “honest patina,” you’ve talked a fellow watch-head out of having their watch polished in order to preserve its honest patina.
- You cyclically fall in and out of love with Rolex as a brand.
- Foods that boast containing important Omega 3 Fatty Acids make you think of space travel.
- “Two-tone” no longer brings to mind British ska bands.
- Unless the date is quick-set, you don’t bother setting it anymore.
- Your excuse for not setting the date is that you don’t want to overwork the movement.
- Someone has mentioned on Instagram that your watch’s date isn’t set correctly.
- You consider paying full boutique prices in order to experience the ritual of toasting the purchase with either Scotch or Champagne.
- In the end, you bought a used watch and spent the saved money on your own Champagne and Scotch.
- You’ve become a Scotch Whiskey connoisseur.
- You’ve got at least one watch in your Amazon shopping cart at all times.
- You can mentally convert CHF into your native currency.
- While you agree that Metallica is a metal band, you do not agree that a watch bracelet should ever be called a metal band.
- You understand what the phrase “in the metal” means.
- You’ve used the phrase “in the metal.”
- Thankfully, the term “swirlies” no longer means getting your head dunked in a toilet while your tormentor flushes it.
- You’ve lost track of how many watches you own.
- You own a watch that you hardly ever wear, but when you do you’re like, “Wow, this thing is amazing! Why don’t I wear this more often?”
- When working out and/or doing yard work, you wear a Casio G-Shock.
- You adore how certain watches “play with the light.”
- You’ve come to know a lot more about WWII than you used to.
- The placement of a watch’s date window genuinely stresses you out.
- You’ve concluded that either (a) smartwatches are the future of horology or (b) smartwatches are not the future of horology.
- You know what “chamfered” means.
- Millimeters are now your base unit of measurement.
- You own metric calipers.
- You’ve shined a UV torch at your watch.
- You’ve backed more Kickstarter campaigns than anyone else you know.
- You’ve participated in at least one heated discussion about minuscule red lettering.
- Though you do not speak French, esoteric French words like ébauche and guilloché roll off your tongue.
- You know the Czech word for “wristwatch.”
- The verb “hack” fails to bring either illegal computer work or violent coughing to mind.
- You considered naming, or did name, your dog Seiko.
- Though your browser history would prove otherwise, you claim not to be always looking at watches on the internet.
- You’ve attended Wind Up (add an additional point if you traveled to New York or San Francisco to attend Wind Up).